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OK, We Hooked Up, What Happens Now? . Psychology Today


At least half of all problems associated with casual sex can be traced back to its name: People think that "casual" means the sex takes no thought and fits as comfortably as sweatpants. But the truth is, you have to date for years before sex gets like that. Monogamy does have a few benefits, after all! Here are ten steps to getting recreational sex right: 1. Be Nice Just because you're never going to see someone again doesn't mean that your manners should fly out the window. Don't Worry So Much About Inner Beauty One of the best things about casual sex is that you can forget all about soul-mates and long-term compatibility and just focus on a pure, chemical connection: You can sleep with someone just because you like their accent, for example. Or you can sleep with someone who is far too young -- or too old -- for you.

Or At Least a Polite Guest We don't care how casual the hookup, it's just plain rude to kick someone to the curb at 5 a. Let them sleep over.

That said, be aware that snuggling for more than 15 minutes may send a mixed message -- but that said, don't be confused if your one-night stand wants to spoon all night. Some people like a little casual intimacy on the side. And be sure to leave a cheery note; phone number not required.

Be Safe Always always always use protection correctly. And know that condoms may not always protect you from everything herpesHPV Oh, yeah, and don't let a complete stranger tie you up during sex, either!

Casual sex is the perfect excuse to reinvent yourself sexually -- to be extra dirty or to try something new.

In other words, to potentially make an ass of yourself, because your flavor of the moment has no idea what you're usually like in bed and will probably never see you again.

Remember, too much missionary is missing the point. Women especially may relish this freedom. Hold the Romance The following activities are not appropriate foreplay during casual sex: drawing a bubble bath in a candle-lit bathroom; reciting your poetry ; playing love songs on your guitar.

Remember, a casual encounter is too fleeting and flimsy to bear the weight of such romance-laden activities -- save those for your monogamous partner, who has no choice but to listen to your "modern take" on Extreme's "More Than Words. Keep Things Light Don't talk about any prescription drugs you may be hooked on or what your therapist thinks of casual sex or how your parents' divorce affects your ability to sustain a relationship.

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Be a Grownup When it comes to the sex, don't sulk if you don't get everything you asked Santa for -- only people in relationships are allowed to complain when things don't go their way in bed and even then they should stop focusing on the negative and just be grateful someone puts up with them.

Just because casual sex is supposed to be fun, doesn't mean it comes with a money-back guarantee--nor is it necessarily consequence-free especially if you don't wrap up. In fact, it can often be just as complicated as a relationship, if more fleeting: the heartache, the jealousythe awkward brunches, the unreturned phone calls, the bloopers, the bad pick-up linesthe hangovers, the STDsand the earnest attempts to stave off soul-sucking loneliness by simply connecting with another human being.

Have Fun, Goddammit!

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Enjoying casual sex doesn't mean you don't take sex seriously--it just means you enjoy a romp in multiple contexts. If you're not having a laugh, then you're missing the point. Want your next casual encounter to be dirtier? Tap here to turn on desktop notifications to get the news sent straight to you. Couple making love in bed with white sheets. Help us tell more of the stories that matter from voices that too often remain unheard. Join HuffPost Plus. Canada U. Bradshaw, C.

To hook up or date: Which gender benefits? Sex Roles, 62, — Fairness has nothing to do with it. There are very simple biological reasons why a woman's value go's down with every sexual relationship. From a biological standpoint a woman who sleeps around is a liability. Because a man can't be sure any offspring is really his.

She makes a bad investment of resources.

A man however has to have great qualities to even get to sleep with many women in the first place. So many sexual partners means he has a lot to offer to women. Otherwise they wouldn't sleep with him. A woman only has to make herself available. Even low quality women can get laid whenever they want. A low quality man can't do that. Hello every one i want to share my testimony on how i got my sugar-mummy, a friend of mine that always give me money…because he was very rich, one day he said he is not going to give me fish that he is going to teach me how to fish, so i was very happy, i never knew he have a SUGAR-MUMMY all my life we have spend together!

Not true, Ben.

Many unattractive females never get to have either romantic or purely sexual involvements. I know; I am one of them! The 17th Century Double Standard may have had some practical underpinning during an age when paternity could not be determined, but here is a newsflash - paternity can now be determined with more than So a man's being stuck with supporting and his inheritance going to a child that is not his is no longer a real reason for him to "devalue" a woman who sleeps around.

A man who sleeps around with a lot of women does not have "great qualities. Those are not considered "great" qualities. It would be more practical to avoid players of both sexes if what you are looking for is a quality, exclusive, more than one night stand relationship.

And if you are looking to avoid an STD, that gift that keeps on giving. That's why i say from a biological standpoint.

It doesn't matter much that society has changed. Sexual selection is driven by the same instincts we had years ago. That's why women love badboys so much. He might be a loser in today's society.

But in the cavemen age he would rule. And DNA tests don't take away men's feelings of resentment for women who sleep around. Because those feelings come from instincts. Those traditional gender roles were mostly serving women, children, society and beta males. Without them men will return to the cavemen role. Meaning only the most dominant men will breed. And they don't stick around to provide for women and children. Meaning the beta males have no reasons to take part in society.

Or that they have to be contend with alpha men leftovers. Meaning society slowly crumbles. Feminism doesn't work long term. The world of men.

And in the world of men it matters what men want.

Even if women don't care. And DNA test don't always matter. Specially when a man is stupid enough to get married. Her husband will pay the bill. Even if a DNA tests proves he's not the biological father. Even if her infidelity leads to divorce and she moves in with the biological father with the child. The ex husband will still be paying child support for a child that isn't his.

To successfully hook up with a guy via text, you need to be able to flirt, hookup and say, “Remember when we did X? Let's do it again tonight. Approaching someone you want to hook up with can be tricky. If he dances and seems into it, go for the kiss or linger the eye contact. Just, uh, be He's going really hard, harder than you'd like - again, what do you do?. My boyfriend and I didn't necessarily hook up the first time we met We weren't looking for a one night stand, more like a "I like to f*ck you, but I like to watch movies with you too". Then I saw her at another club, hooked up again. Meet someone, hook up, see if you like them enough to want to date them.

And paternity has to be contested within a timeframe even outside marriage. And even a underage boy who was raped can be forced to pay child support to his rapist.

DNA test are not a waterproof protection for men. Just ask many war veterans who are now paying child support for a child that isn't theirs. Just because they were fighting oversea and they couldn't check and protest the paternity claim. Paternity doesn't matter much in family court unless it favours the woman and the state.

The law of support of spouse and children in the U.

And might some hookup partners become “just friends,” or stay sexually involved, repeatedly hooking up without developing any kind of. Just because you're never going to see someone again doesn't mean If you hate to spoon strangers, then go back to your hook-up's place. How to ask someone to hook up again - Find a woman in my area! Free to join to find a man and meet a man online who is single and looking for you. If you are.

It is paternalistic, anachronistic designed for a time when women could not support themselves or their children. Now, most women can work and support themselves and their families if they want to.

The concept of the law forcing mostly men to pay over money to exes and their children whom they can't live with is just wrong. It lulls women into believing they are helpless without it. It gives the parent who "wins" the children a heck of a battle axe with which to beat the other parent to a pulp.

It wrecks families, causes lifetime bloody court battles, and traumatizes the children. No one should be responsible for putting a roof over the head of an able-bodied ex. It really doesn't matter that the child's other parent earns more money. A child whose parent earns minimum wage doesn't have any additional needs for shelter, food, clothing, etc. The parent doesn't deserve the roof to be provided by the ex. This scheme of everyone providing for their own children when they have them will encourage cooperation and will provide incentive for a divorced parent to encourage the child's time and relationship with the other parent.

That would be so 20th and 21st Century. Men's instinctive reaction toward a woman who "sleeps around" also has not caught up. Think about it. Many men who would reject a single woman who has had many uncommitted interactions don't think twice about marrying and taking on the children of a woman who has been married before, sometimes married several times.

If a man wants a virgin, she sure ain't it. If you think about it, a single woman who has had many flings may just be more honest. She may have a healthier value toward monogamy and fidelity the divorced woman has certainly proved that she hasn't.

What practical difference would it make if there were 5 or 15 men in either woman's past? The men's instinct based upon pre-DNA days might be maladaptive, keeping him from considering the promiscuous woman who might turn out to be a much more honest and faithful mate.

People like to think they are making choices based on rational thought. But they are mostly ruled by instinctive impulses and emotions. Men will never value promiscuous women. Those who say they don't care are the lying pigs you referred to earlier. It's just how it is.

Sleeping around isn't good for women for multiple reasons. The way men will view them is just one of many reasons. Those who say that women can sleep around without consequences are either ignorant or lying. And you can't make a one on one comparison between men and women. Because sex isn't a equally valued commodity by men and women.

Men and women have different selection criteria mostly driven by instincts, not intellect. Men and women view and value sex and relationships from a different perspective. This is caused by biological differences.

How To Turn A Hookup Into A Relationship, As Told By 10 People Who Have Done It

It's driven by instincts. I'm sure women often wish men would be different at times.

The same go's for many men towards women. But it is what it is. Wishful thinking or ideology isn't going to change it. I believe you that it is instinctive for a man not to value a promiscuous woman since you are a man if you want a man's perspective, ask a man. This doesn't make sense to me as a woman because I see many men who would dis and dump a promiscuous woman but do not hesitate to marry another woman who has children by previous relationships or marriages.

I would think that would be worse, because the stepchildren fathered by other men would come along with the deal.

When You Hook Up With Your Ex

If the reason for a man's instinct were avoidance of a child that was not his, what is the distinction? If he wants a virgin so she doesn't have anything with which to compare his performance, the single or divorced mother sure isn't it.

As a woman, I would not want a man who sleeps around or who is always looking over my shoulder for something better. I would want someone who actually wanted to be with me. Also, there is the "ick" factor.

A man who would come back to my bed after physically hooking up with someone else would be "sloppy seconds" to me.

Kind of like using someone else's toothbrush that has been dipped into the toilet. A single or divorced mother has lower sexual market value.

This doesn't always mean she's not hot looking or has bad genetics. This gives a opportunity to beta males with lower sexual market value to mate above their normal level. They now have a opportunity to breed with a woman that would otherwise never give them a chance if she wasn't a single mom. A single mother will often drastically lower her standards towards men. And she will often step up her game to lock a man down.

A lower value man might be willing to pay the price of providing for her and her children. Single mothers are more available sexually. So there's a larger pool of men to partner up with. These are not the high value men she would have preferred. She's settling for less. And so are the men.

They would rather have a young woman without children. But they are not capable to lock one down who they deem attractive enough. Because those women won't give them a second thought.

How to get him to hook up with you again - Is the number one destination for saw me again, say, he declines you want to tell someone wanting to text you and. I'm not saying you have to kiss ass, pretend to be someone you're not, we're not going to see each other again for a long time, or honestly, I've had a feel wanted, so you can let him know outright that you want to hook up. How to Tell Someone You Only Wanna Hook Up of: “If only he had just let me know up front that he wasn't looking for anything serious. we never had to talk about it again, since we both knew each others' expectations.

They are more focused on other things and other men. To make an unbias judgment we need to let go of what we think we know. And specially what we would like it to be. In order to understand women better i had to let go of everything i learned.

Because everything was simply rong. And i had to stop projecting my own perspective on to women. Because men and women view things totally different. Because we have different and sometimes opposed roles within the natural mating game. It's not a nice experience when your believe system crumbles. And it comes with denial, anger, sadness, feelings of desperation, resentment. And hopefully acceptance at the end. All natural things when people are dealing with loss.

That's why we have so many angry and depressed young men. They are dealing with feelings of lost. They were emotionally invested in their view about women. And now they learn that women are not how they thought they were. And definitely not what they like them to be.

They react emotionally. And they often blame women. Just as women often blame men. It's painful. I would not want a man who sleeps around or who is always looking over my shoulder for something better. Men feel the same way. And it's one of the main reasons marriage is failing. Because it doesn't lock the woman down sexually anymore. And with no fault divorce she can leave him whenever she finds something better.

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