5 Signs He's Not Going to Marry YouHere's how to inoculate ourselves against negative ones. Verified by Psychology Today. Valley Girl With a Brain. At the time, I considered this less a threat and more a way to expedite the inevitable— marriage , family, an otherwise perfect union. In her case, it had proven a successful strategy. On the final day of the ultimatum, he presented me not with a ring and a proposal, but the promise of one day soon.
I think women place way to much importance on marriage. I felt absolutely no different after I got married. To be fair me and my W had been living together for around 2 years at that point and we shared a bank account. I have a set of friends that were together for 18 years before they got married and they only did it for financial reasons 2 yers later they might be getting a divorce.
My feeling is that not everyone has to be married to be happy.
If you are in a committed relationship and vow to each other to hold that above all else what the difference? If he hasn't proposed after 3 years I'm out the door. I would leave if you really want to be married and he's dragging his feet. My boyfriend ad I moved in together back in March and ever since then he's been expecting me to be the perfect wife ex. I clean all the dishes, cook all the food, buy all the groceries, and do all the laundry while he comes up with every excuse to put off an engagement.
His reasons now are valid I'm just not into the idea of marrying him anymore but that seems to be pushing him in the right direction more now, guess he doesn't want to lose out on a good thing. Originally Posted by RiverRunning. Today turned out to be a very difficult day. I was at a party my sister-in-law was hosting and her sister, Jana, was there. Jana and her boyfriend have been dating at least a year but no longer than two years.
I saw she was sportin' a ring on the ol' left hand, but knowing that many people wear jewelry on both hands nowadays, I didn't want to make mention of it since she wasn't making a big deal out of it. Shortly before I left, I overheard her telling her mother she had gone looking at wedding dresses, so that confirmed it. Jealousy is such an irrational and stupid thing. Someone else's happiness doesn't detract from my own. We do live together and have for about 7 months.
After five years of dating, I told my boyfriend that if he didn't propose by No one can—except maybe someone who's going through it too. I’ve proposed to the one who’s now my wife, about 4 years after we started dating and we got married a year later. All these four years we lived separately, and moved together after I proposed. I don't feel any excitement when I'm with my boyfriend anymore but I don't feel like. If you two have happily been together for years, marriage is often the next logical step. While it's OK to date for as long as you want, this feeling of excitement of these things being successful without your partner by your side." 3. You're Doing It For The Right Reasons. If you're thinking about marriage.
We discussed our intentions before I moved in and we both agreed that this was only a step toward marriage. It's been puzzling because on the one hand, I know my boyfriend has been jealous when he has heard about others' engagements, weddings and even pregnancies. It struck him particularly hard when he heard that his younger sister was trying for a baby.
So at the same time, it was head scratch-worthy that nothing ever came of it. I did tell him about my sister-in-law's sister and his reaction did surprise me. He's told me he's been thinking about it multiple times a day for the last few months, but he wants to avoid doing anything around the holidays because that's 'hectic enough.
His response was that it would take him "no where near" a year to propose and that he's "very excited" to have me as his wife. I admit I'll probably be a skeptic until a proposal comes, but his response did seem very enthusiastic.
The fact he's discussing it with me at all and sharing his own time-lines put it into sharper focus. I get that marriage is not the same for everyone and I don't expect to feel any different. But it says something about a person's devotion when they choose to get married - that takes a great deal of confidence to undertake a potential lifetime together. Not to mention numerous benefits not awarded in a domestic live-in or civil union situation, which would require tons of paperwork otherwise and even then there are still benefits I could not receive.
I'm not religious, nor am I conservative, but if a person doesn't feel confident enough to commit to me, I don't know if I could feel confident enough to commit to having a child with that person. There is no intrinsic value to marriage, emotionally speaking - it's not the sort of thing I think is going to make my relationship feel different.
I'm glad there are folks who are happy with or without it - but I'm not one of them. If nothing else, living together DOES Put a great deal of pressure on the relationship that otherwise would not be there if both parties were married not saying this is the reason I'd like to get married.
In our respective families and culture, married and unmarried couples are treated differently and that can add layers of pressure. Bigguy02 makes a good point. I really wish women would not be under this tremendous social pressure to get married. I wish a woman past, say, 30, who is still unmarried and childless and not engaged were not generally treated like less of a person just because some guy didn't validate her with a marriage certificate -- and the assumption being, of course, that she wasn't good enough for anyone.
I wish officious do-gooders in women's families and writers of so-called "self-help" books didn't browbeat women into lowering their expectations and settling for somebody, anybody, just so they could escape the stigma of being unmarried. I wish women weren't slammed for being unmarried while, at the same time, being slammed for their anxiety over marriage.
I think women's lives would be a lot happier and more enjoyable if they weren't socialized to take this relentlessly goal-oriented approach to relationships and didn't spend their best years hunting after status that gives women few benefits but greatly increases their responsibilities.
Alright, that's the end of this morning's feminist rant. However deplorable the reasons, marriage is an important goal to a lot of women and being unmarried is stigmatizing. And for those women, a few tips are in order.
It goes without saying that men are much less eager to get married in general not being under the same social pressures an' all. At the same time, however, men are generally very attached to domestic routines and hate to upset the apple cart, preferring to keep the balance by almost any means, up to and including getting married despite not really wanting to. That's what explains a lot of those marriages that occur at the end of 7 years of dating and living together, followed by a 5-year engagement.
In fact, one of the reasons the divorce rate is so high is that there is a substantial number of people, most of them men, who get married just so they don't have to rent an apartment and call a van to move their stuff.
Waiting so many years to get married isn't just unconscionably long; but proposals that finally ensue are insincere and marriages that follow quickly turn miserable and usually lead to a divorce.
Contrary to what movies and books about roping misbehaving men into marriage tell us, being legally bound does not make any problems between two people work themselves out somehow; instead, it magnifies and exacerbates them. And, marriage should be a means to an end, not an end in itself so, curse all those "self-help" books and articles that present marriage as an accomplishment that ends a process on a happy note.
In terms of numbers, I would say that if there is no proposal after a couple of years, and no serious, goal-oriented talk of marriage, and the woman in the relationship wants to get married, it is time for her to move on.
It would be unwise for her to wait any longer, and even she finally received a proposal after a few more years, it would be unwise of her to marry the guy at that point. Plus, engagements should be reasonably short, with the date set at the time of the engagement or shortly thereafter. So, if it's two years in and no cigar or at least cigar smoke, I'd say she should leave without explaining the reason to avoid an insincere proposal.
I really don't want to debate whether women place too much importance on marriage. I care about you, RiverRunning, and I think you deserve more than what you're getting from your relationship right now. Your feelings about Jana's engagement and your desire that your guy be devoted and committed enough to marry you are not irrational. Not at all.
We have our intuition for a reason. There ARE men out there who are going to commit to you and love you for who are and have the same goals and morals you have, it's all about loving yourself enough and respecting yourself enough to put in the effort and time not to settle for less than your worth. As hard as it may be to walk away from someone you genuinely love and have planned your future around, it will be even more heart breaking to live your life for years with someone who will always love themselves more than they love you.
Your desire to control the man in your life is no less self-serving and selfish than his desire NOT to be. Perhaps HIS intuition is better than you think. I certainly think so. You and some of the other women here are so typical of the toxic female syndrome. You state that YOU planned a future In a world where men have almost NO rights at all try seeing what happens when a man and wife separate and divorce - the court nearly always gives the store away to the wife, even if SHE is the one who wants the divorcethe idea that there is something wrong with HIM because he does not want to marry YOU tells me much about your character - or rather, the lack of it.
Men have fewer rights than women? Toxic Female Syndrome? This is hilarious! Bitter, party of one, your table is ready! I experienced it quite different than you.
I said what I wanted to say underneath. Ja courts take men to the cleaners, but again, there are women out there who can and will assist men IF they are willing to pull their weight as well. But most wont. Its because women are emotionally wired and to string her along is to destroy her trust in men in general.
I've been with my bf for three years, we just celebrated our third anniversary a few days ago. I was hoping for a proposal, but it didn't come. After 3 years, it's reasonable that you'd want your relationship to be . Jana and her boyfriend have been dating at least a year but no longer. You have wasted precious years (because females do have a time clock) dating without purpose. Dating is a tryout meant to last for a short.
Men should thus then stay clear from women UNTIL they are healed properly without running around declaring women are toxic I've been in the same situation. The reason I didn't leave is because I was afraid. Of everything. The anguish, the explanations, and worse, that I had waited so long I'd left the optimal space for marriage and children behind me.
I only wish I hadn't prolonged the torment, because I was so wrong. I'm 37, and finally have the man and future I could only have dreamed of. And guess what? It happened quickly. I ache for you, but I think what you've detailed is what you already know but are too confused and fearful to admit- this man isn't someone you should give the benefit of one more day too.
What a shame. On him. I had a similar experience, Melissa. It was the most difficult decision of my life to leave my love of 6 years because of his inability to commit to me.
11 Signs You Need To Either Get Engaged Soon Or Break Up, If Marriage Is Important To You
I stayed out of fear. I reasoned that it was okay to stay because I was "happy" and "wanted no one else" for a really long time. It wasn't until I got out that I realized what a profound effect it had on my life, energy and self-esteem. I am glad the "end" was quick, and I got out. And am now with a man that values me and is ready to commit to me. Your piece really resonated with me and raised a really important and interesting question of what it means to be "married".
There is what is means to be married from a legal standpoint and what it means to be married from an emotional standpoint. I am married, symbolically not legally. It was a mutual decision. No need to bring the government into our romantic relationship.
So we got engaged, had a wedding or commitment ceremony as some purists for the legal definition of marriage would - and have - insistexchanged rings, got a witnessed certificate of our merging that has no legal binding, and call each other husband and wife. To me this non-legal marriage holds as much emotional weight as a legal marriage and as much commitment.
We made plans to be together in the long-term, start a family together, go through life milestones together now just as before. So my response to your question "do people in long-term relationships need to get married?
Like someone else said, people don't need to do anything. But what long-term relationships do need is that both people in the relationship be on the same page regarding their levels of commitment and feelings of emotional, financial, legal security.
I think those two ingredients tend to be associated with marriage. So the real question is do you want to get married 1 to be legally married with all the legal protection, 2 to get of social stigma and get others off your back, or 3 reflecting some deeper concern or insecurity about the lack of commitment from your bf?
Regarding giving ultimatums, I completely agree with do not give an ultimatum without being able to follow through. I have given an ultimatum before to an 5-year ex-bf for more progress in our relationship and sadly had to follow through. Turns out that was the best thing I did for myself. It is a needy or insecure woman who will let a man squander her youth without committing to marriage and children, assuming those are important goals for the woman.
If he loves you, he will not ignore your biology, and leave you in relationship limbo. There are certain things in life that are not negotiable; delaying child-bearing being the most unnegotiable. Move on. There are other men out there Girl - I feel your pain. I felt that before with my ex. And I hired a love coach named Rori Raye. She changed my life. Check her out because she will help you to truly love yourself enough to attract the man who wants to make you his wife - no ifs ands or butts.
If it's this man, great; but it could be someone better for you. You might not know it; but you could be contributing to him not wanting to get married to you with your behavior. Rori helped me undo all of that and I inspired my then sweetheart to become my now husband. Best wishes!!3 Reasons Why He Won't Propose
I too played the game, breaking up a few times before the drawn out proposal. I meant it when I broke it off and when he came back I almost didn't want it anymore. Probably because I didn't trust him and was my ultimatum actually giving me a partner that truly matched me best? Lack luster?
It was; I deserved better. We both did. I'll be 33 at the end of this year. My boyfriend just turned Summer of will be 10 years together. He told me he thought he was ready when he finished his master's in I moved so I could finish my bachelor's and he came with me.
He said he just wanted to find a job, get settled, then he was going to ask. He could find a job, and he was beginning to think the Master's Degree was for nothing. So he moved back home to try and salvage his professional life. Recently we went through a lot of crap. Crappy jobs, crappy move to a crappy city in a crappy state.
Dating for 3 years and no proposal
Nothing was going right like we had thought when we packed everything up in and moved for jobs in our fields that required the degrees we earned. We got into several fights about kids and marriage. He never wanted kids and I was fine with that.
Kids wont make or break me.
This may seem cruel to you, however, men in general look at dating very differently than women. For instance, you ask him to plan a romantic vacation for next year and he 3. In social settings, when the topic of marriage or children comes up, He will compliment you without adding himself in the mix.
I just never want to be a single mom. But he had it in his head I never want kids when I have never been serious when I have said that. I joke a lot about it because I see a lot of monsters, but you all have heard it, "it's different when they are yours".
I would like to believe that. Then he started to say he never wants to get married because he knows we would fall into the tax bracket that would kill us each year at tax time. I totally get that, saw the data, and agree. The government loves to do this to people. I'm more about the legal benefits like if something happens to me or him, if we have kids, I want us to all have the same last name, and I want his last name.
I found a way around the marriage thing so I could get what I want all while giving him what he wants, no wedding and no government bounding marriage.
I don't want a wedding. Im not close with my family nor is he with his. A wedding wouldnt be for us, and I wiuld rather spend that money on us. But I told him I wanted a ring and when he was ready he could ask me to take his last name rather than ask me to marry him.
I love him, but Im not sure if he is on the same page with me. If he loves me, and Ive found a way to give him exactly what he wants all while getting what I want, why is there still a hold up?
Am I wasting my time with someone who really doesn't love me and is buying time until something Yes you are wasting your time. Not because I say so. But because you know so. You know you have decreased your price so far and he still won't buy.
I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years (we are both 26) and we just I know someone that got engaged 9 years after dating, from they. Hello, i'm 24 years old and my boyfriend is We been dating for 3 years and 3 months. Lately i've been kind of pressuring him to reassure me. At least that's what I told my now husband on year five of our dating relationship. Meanwhile, my husband was enjoying our dating relationship, felt no urge to get . And when he finally did propose, I never doubted his sincerity for a 3 Reasons He Hasn't Proposed Yet (That Aren't Red Flags for Your.
He has what he wants so why should he "commit" more. Our grandmothers knew a thing or two no matter how we modern girls like to think to the contary. Men are intrinsically attracted to what they can't have or to the woman who values themself and is a cut above the rest.
You are a cut above- but, you are the one who doesn't know it. Spend some time getting to know yourself again. Explore other friendships. Pour your passion into rediscovering what you really want at this point in time.
Marriage isn't really about the legal relationship- it's about the sacred. And for all your statements to the contrary- it's what you may really be after.
The One who can't live without you and wants the world to know it. Very best wishes to you. You desrve it! Those reasons - need financial stability first, I want to get my career on track, find the right job - those are all classic excuses to postpone marriage.
Every girl should know this. There's a hold up because you're not "The One. I know it stings. After 10 years a man knows you very well enough to be sure if he wants to marry you or not. There's nothing left to assess - you've seen each other at your best and your worst. You're wondering when the ring is coming but frankly, he's not. Plus, when his life fell apart he moved back home?
Is he not even living with you? That's NOT what couples do! You're not somethings trying to find your way in the world. You're somethings who should be finding stability by now. You have your answer - you're just in massive denial. Men propose to women they want to marry. He doesn't want to marry you.
Are you going to waste another 5 or 10 years before you accept it? Honestly, this is the kind of conversation you should've had with yourself at Year 5 in the relationship. Take it from someone older. Get out now and find the man who will commit. Trust me. The whole game shifts drastically because men know single women over 40 are far more desperate so men then hold ALL the cards. You've still got your youth.
Don't waste it on a man who frankly sounds like he can't get his shit together. Hi Jen, If you are really looking to be married by which your article clearly states the case that you are then your boyfriend of 5 years is not the One. Believe it or not, the mistake women make is NOT telling the man that they would like a proposal by such and such a date which, by the way, after 5 YEARS of dating you earned the right to ask and how where your relationship is going, rather, their mistake is cohabiting with a guy before he proposes.
Yes, cohabitation. When a woman agrees to move in with a man she is giving away her power because deep down men instinctively know that women have a lot more to lose time! They also know that they have more dating options than we women do in numbers abd so by us moving in with them we women basically throw our options out the window. To them we are just live-in whores for their convenience, we give them sex, food, all the trimmings of a wife with little to no actual work, commitment, or reciprocation on their part.
Even if the women only want a little sausage instead of the whole pig, it's irrelevant because the day you move in with a man without him officially committing to you via engagement ring or walking you down the marriage aisle, he always thinks that he gets the milk for free without having to pay for the cow. It seems to me that your boyfriend is stringing you along until someone better comes along, he knows his chances of finding someone else are very high.
Believe me, if a man truly wants to be with you for the long-term he will initiate by putting the ring on it before the subject of living together even comes up, that is if he sees you as a woman of value. Jen, I would quit waiting on this piece of sausage guy you call 'boyfriend' wasting your timebreak up with him, and spend your time finding a man who not only wants to marry you but whom you also find attractive and kind.
A tall order but in the long run the juicy steak is much better sustenance for your health and happiness than a piece of sausage. Next time save the cohabitation until you at least have the engagement ring on finger.
I hope this will save some of your precious time time ladies. Your man will one day get married but it may not be to you aka he's just not that into you. Please read the book and don't make excuses for yourself. While times have changed, I agree some things stay the same It's from herself. Until that sinks in--we are lost as a gender. Hi I was blunt but didn't mean it in any other way. I simply wanted to summarise but it seems that I need to explain myself to not be misunderstood.
I've been in the exact same situation. It's until us women decide to do the right thing by our own values, nothing will change and we will continue to live wondering if we're good enough or if there is more of our life we can put on hold for someone else and hoping things will change.
You're playing with precious biological time which we don't have ample of.
By just waiting you will continue to suffer in silence. My friend never believed in marriage but recently proposed because he understood how important marriage and family is to his girlfriend and he did it willingly. And trust me, he's the sheldon cooper of the modern world.
Re HJNTIY, I just wanted to break it down to the basics that if you're on a different page with your man and he has no desires to be on your page, he just doesn't want you enough. Truth hurts and no one likes rejection but it sure beats waiting like a second class citizen when you deserve so much more. He's putting his own needs above yours so it's time to love yourself enough to walk away from a toxic situation where both parties can grow resentment.
In Abby's case, he is being straight up stupid. Unless the laws in Canada are very different from the U. After this many years, why is he being so stubborn as to allow a silly piece of paper prevent him from gaining so many more benefits? I hope he has a good reason other than "just because". If you can tolerate the fact that he is essentially still waiting it out until something better comes along then I suppose it's healthy.
Anonymous is right. If you're together over 3 years and there is not even an engagement he's keeping a tiny sliver of option open to move on from you without the hassle of a divorce. It's really tragic that people don't realize that after 3 years or so there's not too much left to discover about someone.
You know each other really well. There's not a lot of mystery left. I can sympathize with you because, like you, I'm also dating a man who has yet to pop that question.
He's 39, divorced with 2 kids.
Gray says that listening to understand is one of the best ways a guy can make a women feel emotionally fulfilled, even if no immediate solution is offered. I did tell him that I was counting on him and trusting him to take this decision seriously.
It was scary to let go and let my husband discern marriage on his own, because it meant that he could choose something else and I would have no firm deadline in sight. But it was also liberating because I knew that everything he did was because he wanted to.
And when he finally did propose, I never doubted his sincerity for a second because pressure had nothing to do with it. The difference between being friendly and flirting can be pretty subtle sometimes. A guy's perspective on the difference between a red flag and normal guy behavior. Guys share the traits that they find intimidating in a good way and—yes—in a bad way.
There is no easy answer to this tough predicament, but here are some important things to consider. These couples have learned a thing or two about relationships over the years. Home Relationships. So, I did the thing that I never should have done. Your hints may not be so harmless.
Affirmation is the best kind of encouragement.